Every single day, people ask how a girl like me can be single. This question is super fucking lame. It’s patronizing and boring. Because inevitably, people expect me to answer “Well, I dunno! I just haven’t met the right guy yet!”. Or they just assume I’m batshit crazy. I am, but not the bad kind of crazy. Truth be told, I went through a pretty painful breakup, and since then, I just haven’t met anyone that holds my interest. That’s probably because I have insanely high standards, because I know exactly what I want, and unlike the vast majority of people, I refuse to settle. Let me just say though.. I typically go for nerds. It doesn’t matter what you’re nerdy about. Engineers, doctors, scientists.. move to the front of the line.
If you can describe yourself as any of the following or meet the following criteria, you are automatically dismissed from my dating pool, a la Singled Out circa 1997.
A St. Louis Cardinals fan.
You don’t want to travel, or if you do, you choose Las Vegas.
That’s like aspiring to go to the largest Walmart in the world.
Enough said, given what I do. I need someone that can keep up.
You use the following slang terms without using irony…
Bogus, brah, sick, rad, bae, bromance, or any other sort of fratboy-speak.
You can’t deal with my job.
If my job bothers you in any way, even a little bit, it probably won’t work out.
A churchgoing Christian.
I don’t ever care to go to church ever again, and I’d honestly rather my significant other spend Sundays watching TV or jerking it.
No offense, I understand the struggle and the “illness”, but I have spent enough time around people battling addictions. I don’t want it in my to be a factor in my adult life. In my defense, most of my family are alcoholics. It’s exhausting and I don’t want to be around it.
You dislike reading…
Because you were “forced to read too much in college”. Fuck off. Even if you read 50 Fucking Shades of Grey, that’s better than not reading at all.
You’re vanilla and unwilling to change.
If you can’t fuck me like a whore, I don’t wanna fuck you. If you can’t be rough, I’ll be bored.
Your favorite movies are any of the following…
Anything by Judd Apatow, Fast and the Furious or Transformers… this list is endless, really. If you think of summer blockbusters as quality cinema, I’ll probably make fun of you.
Under the age of 25.
You’re sexually submissive.
It just won’t work.
Terrible sense of humor
If you enjoy the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, I’m not the girl for you. It’s not even fun for me to make fun of you if you don’t get my subtle jabs.
You love Linkin Park.
You own an American vehicle.
American cars suck. If you choose to own one, I see that as a sign of intelligence. Or lack thereof.
You own a ridiculous vehicle, like an Audi R8 or a Porsche (without being a car nerd)
You lack ambition.
If you’re not working toward something, I’ll get bored.
You don’t know how to drive.
Unless you grew up somewhere a car wasn’t necessary, it’s a vital skill. If you can’t drive, we can’t go on road trips. Dealbreaker.
Shitty communication skills.
If talking about things bothers you, or if you’re one of those people that can’t deal with honesty or reality, I don’t wanna know you. Unless you’re just like Morello in Orange is the New Black, then inability to cope with reality is endearing, but still a dating dealbreaker.
I hate the constant need to one-up each other. And I don’t like arguing about everything.
A Professional Athlete
Because my general consensus is that y’all expect me to fawn over you, and I’m not that kind of girl. I have too much dignity and I don’t really want you that badly.
An Artist/Writer/Other aspiring creative type.
Unless you’re really incredibly talented, and can support yourself with your craft, I’m not interested. Not because I don’t value what creative types do, I’ve just found that I’m more tolerant of logically minded people.
I could seriously go on for days, but this list is pretty long. If I remember any other major dealbreakers, I’ll be sure to add them.